"I don't want to eat, I want to die."

This was something one of my patients said to me when I was reviewing his swallowing during lunchtime. And at that moment I just froze. My mind went blank and I didn't know what to say. Then silence filled the air for a couple of seconds before the patient changed the topic. 

I don't know how many of you have actually experienced people expressing their suicidal thoughts. It is honestly, quite heartbreaking to hear. I can't imagine what that person has been through and how tough life must have been on him/her. While this was something I predicted would happen since I found out my allocation to a mental health setting for placement, it still impacted me quite a lot. I felt like I needed to say something. Like just anything to help them lessen the pain. 

But I didn't. 

Because I didn't know what was appropriate to say. I just didn't know how to react. And honestly, I am angry at myself for not saying anything. Here I have someone going through so much in his/her life, and there I am going on and on about the food he can eat as if that was the most important thing to him/her - where did I get the confidence that eating is a priority in his/her life? And I'm also ashamed at how little I know about mental illnesses. There is so much stigma/taboo attached to it that it's just so ... upsetting. 

To everyone who is fighting their own inner demons, my heart goes out to you all. Please reach out for help and I hope you find your inner peace and security soon. 

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Julia Brennan - Inner Demons

 "I don't want to eat, I want to die."

This was something one of my patients said to me when I was reviewing his swallowing during lunchtime. And at that moment I just froze. My mind went blank and I didn't know what to say. Then silence filled the air for a couple of seconds before the patient changed the topic. 

I don't know how many of you have actually experienced people expressing their suicidal thoughts. It is honestly, quite heartbreaking to hear. I can't imagine what that person has been through and how tough life must have been on him/her. While this was something I predicted would happen since I found out my allocation to a mental health setting for placement, it still impacted me quite a lot. I felt like I needed to say something. Like just anything to help them lessen the pain. 

But I didn't. 

Because I didn't know what was appropriate to say. I just didn't know how to react. And honestly, I am angry at myself for not saying anything. Here I have someone going through so much in his/her life, and there I am going on and on about the food he can eat as if that was the most important thing to him/her - where did I get the confidence that eating is a priority in his/her life? And I'm also ashamed at how little I know about mental illnesses. There is so much stigma/taboo attached to it that it's just so ... upsetting. 

To everyone who is fighting their own inner demons, my heart goes out to you all. Please reach out for help and I hope you find your inner peace and security soon. 

----------

Julia Brennan - Inner Demons