I always knew this day would arrive. I just didn't know how it would make me feel until it really happened. 

Today, my brother moved into his own place. 

Honestly, I'm truly happy for him cause he has been waiting for a long time and finally, his place is ready. We have been constantly chatting about his renovation progress, my grand plans of taking over his room, how he needs to clear everything so I can use his room etc. He has also told us about his plans to shift today. So to be fair, it didn't take me by surprise. But I guess it just never really sunk in? The true meaning of shifting. Even up till yesterday, when 木木 asked me how I'm feeling about my brother shifting out - my reaction was still, "I don't think it would make much difference? I lived alone in Sydney for 2 years after all. Plus, he usually gets off work late. By the time he is home, I'm mostly in my room already." I would say I was pretty nonchalant cause there were periods when he wasn't around at home like during army or when he's travelling, and it didn't make much difference. Our work schedules have also made it such that we don't have much time to chat on weekdays anyway. 

I think it only started creeping up on me this morning when I saw the different boxes of items stacked up, the pieces of luggage lined up, the constant trips from his room to the car and back, the loading of the car with all the things, his things. I asked him, "Why must you shift out when mummy and daddy are overseas! Now I'm alone at home." And in his typical banter style, he said to me, "You still have Ah ma at home with you."

When I met 木木 for dinner today, I confessed to him that I'm quite affected by my brother shifting away, way more than I imagined. There was this heaviness in my chest, my eyes started watering, my nose became stuffy...  and then I felt a pat on my head. I asked 木木 how he felt when his sister moved out. He said, "I don't think sad is the right word. It's more of a realisation that, this is it, she is really moving out". And I guess I have to agree that I don't have the vocabulary to describe what and how I'm feeling now. 

I went to my brother's room to take a look just now. To look at how large his wardrobe is with just a couple of hangers in it, to look at how bare the walls are without his pictures, and really, to look at how void the space is. And I guess in that moment it truly sunk in for me, he is not staying here anymore. I won't hear his usual "hello" when he's back home, nor the "shh!" when I'm being too loud. We will no longer have the random head popping into my room to check out what I'm doing. Now this place would be known as "mummy/daddy's home" and not just simply "home" anymore. 

I guess mummy and daddy not being home also made it worse. They would have teased me for being dramatic and said, "Aiyo, it's not like he won't come back! He is also just 4 MRT stops away.". There would also be noises from the television filling the house when I returned, instead of being greeted with a deafening silence. But I guess I'm also thankful to have this space and time by myself to process my feelings. 

I know that I will be okay. In a couple of days, I might even look back at this entry and chuckle to myself for being so melancholy. But to the Vivien who would be reading this in future, know that your feelings right now are valid. Penning down this moment is also just for you to remember how you feel and to articulate your thoughts while you process your feelings. 

And kor kor if you're reading this, please know that I'm happy for you, but I will also miss you. See you when you're back. 

I always knew this day would arrive. I just didn't know how it would make me feel until it really happened. 

Today, my brother moved into his own place. 

Honestly, I'm truly happy for him cause he has been waiting for a long time and finally, his place is ready. We have been constantly chatting about his renovation progress, my grand plans of taking over his room, how he needs to clear everything so I can use his room etc. He has also told us about his plans to shift today. So to be fair, it didn't take me by surprise. But I guess it just never really sunk in? The true meaning of shifting. Even up till yesterday, when 木木 asked me how I'm feeling about my brother shifting out - my reaction was still, "I don't think it would make much difference? I lived alone in Sydney for 2 years after all. Plus, he usually gets off work late. By the time he is home, I'm mostly in my room already." I would say I was pretty nonchalant cause there were periods when he wasn't around at home like during army or when he's travelling, and it didn't make much difference. Our work schedules have also made it such that we don't have much time to chat on weekdays anyway. 

I think it only started creeping up on me this morning when I saw the different boxes of items stacked up, the pieces of luggage lined up, the constant trips from his room to the car and back, the loading of the car with all the things, his things. I asked him, "Why must you shift out when mummy and daddy are overseas! Now I'm alone at home." And in his typical banter style, he said to me, "You still have Ah ma at home with you."

When I met 木木 for dinner today, I confessed to him that I'm quite affected by my brother shifting away, way more than I imagined. There was this heaviness in my chest, my eyes started watering, my nose became stuffy...  and then I felt a pat on my head. I asked 木木 how he felt when his sister moved out. He said, "I don't think sad is the right word. It's more of a realisation that, this is it, she is really moving out". And I guess I have to agree that I don't have the vocabulary to describe what and how I'm feeling now. 

I went to my brother's room to take a look just now. To look at how large his wardrobe is with just a couple of hangers in it, to look at how bare the walls are without his pictures, and really, to look at how void the space is. And I guess in that moment it truly sunk in for me, he is not staying here anymore. I won't hear his usual "hello" when he's back home, nor the "shh!" when I'm being too loud. We will no longer have the random head popping into my room to check out what I'm doing. Now this place would be known as "mummy/daddy's home" and not just simply "home" anymore. 

I guess mummy and daddy not being home also made it worse. They would have teased me for being dramatic and said, "Aiyo, it's not like he won't come back! He is also just 4 MRT stops away.". There would also be noises from the television filling the house when I returned, instead of being greeted with a deafening silence. But I guess I'm also thankful to have this space and time by myself to process my feelings. 

I know that I will be okay. In a couple of days, I might even look back at this entry and chuckle to myself for being so melancholy. But to the Vivien who would be reading this in future, know that your feelings right now are valid. Penning down this moment is also just for you to remember how you feel and to articulate your thoughts while you process your feelings. 

And kor kor if you're reading this, please know that I'm happy for you, but I will also miss you. See you when you're back.